RITUAL: A Journey from “Infertile!” to Choosing “Child-Free”

RITUAL:  A Journey from “Infertile!” to Choosing “Child-Free”

 

I have been on a 6-year odyssey to make a baby with my husband. This included all the usual

methods(!), as well as fertility treatments like taking the drug Clomiphene. We were not

successful in our quest and last year we decided to “stop trying.” While my husband more or less

happily moved on to start his new business, I felt stuck. I had poured my whole heart and soul

into making a baby and now that we were done with that chapter of our lives, I realized I had no

idea what came next.

-Tristy Taylor

 

Sometimes the things we can’t change end up changing us.

 – Unknown

 

Tristy’s Ritual: Grief, Shiva, and the UN-Baby Shower

March 3-11, 2012

 

Needless to say, Tristy’s grief began long before March 3rd.  And her extensive efforts to move beyond her grief brought her to my home one morning, early in February.  She began the conversation with a wise pronouncement: “I get it now – and it’s hard to ask – but this requires a ritual.  My grief isn’t going to leave until I ask for help from my community, and from a deeper source.”

 

Why was it hard to make this request?  Why, when women are so quick to shower one another with advice and gifts and mothering tips for those pregnant with little humans, have we not also found ways to celebrate, tend and care for the ones who incubate ideas, gestate projects, birth artwork, tend gardens, rear nieces, nephews, neighbors?

 

Maybe it’s because we haven’t first acknowledged the sadness that comes from attempting and failing at one’s birthright: making a child.  Infertility is a shame magnet, and choosing to live and love in ways that doesn’t include bearing children often mystifies.  And so began an exploration of acknowledging the grief, honoring a time for transition, and celebrating a willful choice.  Here’s how Tristy’s ritual went.

 

Saturday, March 3rd: Giving Up the Grief

Like giving up the ghost, the women who gathered late Saturday afternoon were there to support Tristy in fully expressing the sorrow, disappointment, and rage she’d been holding as a result of her six years of trying and failing to conceive a child.

Tristy in the Oak Grove

In the safety of twilight and with the guidance of Tristy’s talented priestess and friend,Lila, who offered her comfortable home, Tristy and a handful of wise women gathered to meditate, drum, and mourn.  The women, each in turn, invited her uterus to speak – and Oh, the stories!  Details of the night were held in sacred confidence by the ears that listened….and ultimately each one was surrendered to an Oak Grove, where it was understood the trees could transform it all. When it was over, Tristy’s husband,Justinretrieved her, taking her home for a week of resting in what was, and in what would become….

 

Sitting Shiva

For the next 7 days and 8 nights, Tristy sat Shiva, a Jewish custom following death.  To experience more of this part of the ritual, you may wish to read Tristy’s blog.

 

Sunday, March 11th: Tristy’s UN-Baby Shower

The flock of women who arrived at Tristy and Justin’s home Sunday morning arrived in precisely the fashion women do when they are showering a loved one — uproarious giggling and cooing, one arrival after another — alive, vibrant and a flourish of feminine chaos.   As the gathering, greeting and welcoming continued, Chef Justin wowed everyone us with a delicious brunch, featuring eggs (of course!!!!) and other bounty!  Settling in with a round of introductions, the women were asked, and consensus was found: it was everyone’s FIRST  UN-Baby Shower.  In short order, unanimous agreement resulted: it was an important event.  There were mothers and non-mothers in the room, each of them so grateful to be included, so moved by their friend’s courage, so willing to support Tristy in her choice to begin a new chapter as a child-free woman.

 

Hand on Heart

 

Each guest was asked to bring a quote from a woman who had not born children.  Quotes ranged from Dolly Parton to Julia Childs to Whoopi Goldberg; and as the quotes were appreciated and celebrated, so too was Tristy’s body, with colorful body paints – not just her womb, but her back and her chest and each appendage.

Artist's at Work

We called upon each facet, capable of imagining, making and mothering new creations.

 

 

Justin's Finishing Touches

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tristy’s friends showered her with creativity-inviting gifts: art materials, plants, libations and recipes!

Gifts for Bearing Fruit & Creativity!

Gifts for Bearing Fruit & Creativity!

 

To finish the ritual, we asked Justin to join Tristy.  Encircling them both, we acknowledged Justin’s role and voice as co-creator and co-parent both in what had been and in what will be.  With hands upon Tristy and Justin, the community set sacred intentions for the couple’s next chapter.  We prayed for surprise and delight and adventure in their choosing to be child-free.  And then, we told them how much we loved them.

 

We Love You, Tristy and Justin.

 

Flower Exchange Ecstasy

 

The UN-Baby Shower ended with some frolicking in the sun and a flower exchange (each woman brought a bouquet of flowers that were co-mingled and redistributed in bouquets to take home and enjoy.)  Brilliant!

 

Lauren & Tristy, Frolicking (lightly)

 

RITUAL: A Blessing for Children

Every Person Born into This World*

Every person born into this world represents something new, something that never existed before, something original and unique. It is the duty of every person… to know and consider that s/he is unique in the world in his particular character, and that there has never been someone like him before. For if there had been someone like her before, there would be no need for her to be in the world. Every single person is a new thing in the world and is called upon to fulfill his particularity in the world.

-Martin Buber, Jewish philosopher/religious existentialist

 

A Child’s Blessing for Isaac and Emmett

February 19, 2012

 

Gathering – Upon arrival, each guest is invited to write words on colored ribbon — words of blessing forIsaac (3 years old), Emmett (7 months), and words of encouragement for parents, Joel and Jessica. The ribbons are tied to two young apple trees, one for each child.

Love Ribbon, photo courtesy, L. Muller

 

Welcome!  (Lauren speaks to the importance of ritual, stressing that the unique presence of those invited to attend a ritual are largely what makes a ritual sacred,)

Rituals create space for us to make real the prayers we tend to keep most close to our hearts; rituals create space for us to honor and to celebrate.  Let’s begin with the simplest one:

Isaac, big brother extraordinaire, photo courtesy L. Muller

 

What are we celebrating?  That these healthy beings,Isaac and Emmett have been born to Joel and Jessica; that Isaac, it turns out, is an EXCELLENT big brother, and has happily accepted this role.

What are we honoring?  A couple things.  We’re honoring the bliss and joy of parenting.  Among the sacrifices and challenges Jessica and Joel have accepted as parents, today we are creating a moment of pause for Joel and Jessica to acknowledge that now, well into their roles as mother and father, they are finding their way beautifully, and loving what they are a part of in the lives of Isaac and Emmett.

We’re also honoring the love of this community.  The roles each of you play in     providing the patience, the laughter, the insight and support needed by parents and young people, alike. Within this community, there is more than enough wisdom, and more than enough love for this family to grow, grow and grow.

Joel, Isaac, Jessica & Emmett, photo courtesty, L. Muller

What are we praying for?  As a community who loves this family, we pray for the continued love and patience bondingJessicaandJoel; that they continue to discover both practical strength and romantic surprise to sustain one another in every parenting challenge that finds them.  And we’re praying for courage.  What does it mean to be a young person in these times?  Today, we pray for the spirits of courage and curiosity to fall abundantly on these boys so they might readily employ the divine creativity sown deeply within them – and so dearly needed in our world.

 

Candle of Remembrance – A candle is lit to call close those who are not physically present, but who are the lineage that is Isaac and Emmett.  The flame, remembers us to those who’ve passed on or who are not able to join us today.

 

Lauren officiates, photo courtesy L. Muller

Martin Buber’s words (above) instruct us accept the truth of our Divine heritage, to know that our life’s work is delightfully simple: to offer the goodness within each of us, by living life to its fullest!

Within Judaism, there is a tradition of burying a son’s foreskin beneath a fruit tree.   Today, we are embracing and re-envisioning this custom by planting two boxes beneath this fruit tree.  In this way, we are symbolically recognizing our roles the lives of Isaacand Emmettto fertilize, tend and enjoy their growth.  May Isaac and Emmett, like the trees, grow strong and resilient, embracing each season and the changes life brings!!

Joel and Jessica will plant the two boxes beneath the two trees. Joel will offer the traditional blessing in Hebrew and English.

 

Buddies Ribbon, photo courtesty, L. Muller

Offerings from Those Gathered

“Nana Sharon” reads a beautiful letter she has written her grandsons  to honor this day. Lauren invites others to share words they’ve written on the ribbons as an offering to Jessica, Joel and the boys.

 

Blessing Isaac, Blessing Emmett – Lauren provides Joel and Jessica essential oil and offers words of blessing forIsaac:

UponIsaac’s head;

Isaac, you are connected, protected, loved, and blessed by the Divine. 

His heart:

Isaac, your heart is blessed so that you may feel compassion for yourself and others. 

Anointing Isaac's Hands, photo courtesy, L. Muller

 

His hands:

Isaac, your hands are blessed so that you may reach out to the world. 

His feet:

And Isaac, your feet are blessed so that you may connect with the earth and stand your ground in this world. Know that your spirit is strong and it will guide you through this life. Know that you are not alone, that you are deeply loved and that your presence brings overwhelming joy. 

 

Then, Isaac is given oil forEmmettand we repeat the above for his baby brother.

Isaac anoints Emmett, photo courtesy, L. Muller

 

Parents’ Blessing – Lauren reads from Khalil Gibran’s, The Prophet:

Your Children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.  They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.  You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.  For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Please have a mandarin! photo courtesy, L. Muller

 

Fruit Offering – Isaac proudly offers a mandarin to each guest, symbolizing the gift that his own life is and will continue to be, a tree bearing fruit for others to enjoy.  Amen!


Emmett, feeling blessed, photo courtesty, L. Muller

 

 

 

* – Inclusive language mine

Praying with Trees

Forests…appeal to all and awaken inspiring universal feelings. 

…It may be that sometime an immortal pine will be the flag

of a united and peaceful world.

 -Enos A. Mills

 

And you, how old are you?  I asked the maple tree. 

While opening one hand,

he started blushing.

-Georges Bonneau, Le SensibiliteJaponaise, 1935

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

It’s true: four days into February and I’m still blogging about New Year’s…because on some calendar, somewhere, it’s always a new year.  Two weeks ago, the Chinese rang in the Year of the Dragon and this coming Tuesday, February 7th, the Jewish calendar will celebrateTuB’Shevat, the New Year for trees.  That’s right, trees!

 

The celebration of Tu B’Shevat stems from a passage in Hebrew scripture, Leviticus 19:23-25, which explains that fruit from trees may not be eaten during the first three years and it is only after the fourth year (when the fruit is for G-d alone), that the fruit may be eaten.  The New Year for trees, therefore, was a way of commemorating the tree’s age and its pending harvest.   Historical reasons aside, I’m just still delighting in the idea of celebrating a Tree New Year.

 

It’s blog-worthy.

 

And while I could spend the next paragraph writing about tree conservation and reiterating why we need them for erosion evasion, water filtration and air purification, I’m not going to.  Nor will I use this New Year to recognize the many tree activists whose stories inspire me every time I consider their efforts: JohnnyAppleseed, Elzéard Bouffier, John Sterling Morton, WangariMaathai, Julia Butterfly Hill…and the monks of Thailand (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a0I3Nz4cOeI).

 

Instead, and as plainly as possible, I want to thank the trees.

Tibetan nuns chanting beneath the Buddha's Bodhi Tree, Bodhgaya, India. 2003

I readily admit my life depends on them – they breathe in my discarded CO2, while providing me O2 in abundance, of course; but they also serve as metaphor in so much of how I make sense of life.  In my work with clients, for example, I’m constantly referring to trees: “What’s in your roots?” “You are growing a solid trunk,” “What have you offered up, in your branches?”   Do you do this, too?  Borrow from trees the strong, regenerative image they represent?

 

In my last post, I mentioned the frustration I was feeling toward the short-sightedness plaguing our culture.  Reveling in the long-sighted, patient nature of trees, I take deep delight in the Georges Bonneau quote above…

 

So do it now: picture your tree.  We all have one —  the one in the backyard, from which the tire-swing hung; the one we went to after school to exchange secrets, kisses and important social dirt; the one we’ve sought out for time alone, to whom we cry out, or confess, or find solace when the world’s busyness has become deafening.

 

Might this week be a time to thank our trees?  I encourage you to offer some gratitude at its trunk, speak your love poem into its bark, bring its fallen leaves to your dining table and offer your thanks to these beings, ever-wise, ever-patient, damn resilient, and ever-generous.

 

Dear Trees, Thank you, thank you, thank you….and Mazel Tov!  Happy New Year!

Tree Gratitude along Avenue of the Giants